Book Review: Before We Were Innocent by Ella Berman

Welcome to my review of Ella Berman’s Before We Were Innocent! A tale of love, betrayal, deceit, and more. Initially, the premise for this book made me uneasy. Sometimes stories like this one can be too much for me mentally, and while sometimes I felt overwhelmed while reading, it wasn’t as intense as I thought it would be. But please be mindful that this book deals with themes of loss, grief, death, and more, which I discuss in this review. Take care of yourself first and foremost <3

ALSO, there are SPOILERS in this review!

One more thing: This book uses a racist and derogatory term towards Black women that was wholly unnecessary. It appears once, about halfway through the book, but please also be mindful of this as well, if you choose to read it.

Summary

The book alternates between past and present. In the past, Bess, Evangeline (Ev), and Joni are best friends who go on a trip to Greece to celebrate their high school graduation. It's during this trip that Evangeline dies tragically, with Bess and Joni accused of her death by the police. In the end, the two are found not to be involved, and are released, but the consequences of media attention will play a large role in both their lives afterwards.

Ten years later, in 2018, Joni appears at Bess's doorstep asking for an alibi. Bess is suddenly thrust back into the world of lies, secrets, and betrayal that she thought she had put behind her.

“Prison is your best friend’s voice in your ear, telling you everything is going to be okay.”

What I liked

The portrayal of grief and loss

The story is told through Bess's point of view, and through that we see just how much Evangeline's death has affected her, from grief to guilt to sadness and regret. Bess's coping method was to hide away from the world, to make herself as small as possible. A lot of this was due to the intense media and public scrutiny she experienced in 2008, which can be traumatizing for anyone, but it's important to remember that she was only 18 at the time. She was so young and didn't even know who she was yet as a person, so to have the media and seemingly the whole world calling you a bad person, can really affect the way you see yourself.

When you find out what really happened when Evangeline died, you then understand Bess's guilt. While Bess had nothing to do with Ev's death, there were a lot of heated words exchanged right beforehand. Both said things to each other that were hurtful and upsetting. Bess feels guilty that the last thing Ev probably heard before she died were Bess's biting remarks. She also feels guilty for not making sure Ev was safe before she died.

It's clear as day that Bess coped with Ev's death by shaming herself. Instead of recognizing that she had nothing to do with it, she internalized all her grief and horror and sadness, and ended up blaming herself. When the media presented her as a troubled and disturbed teenager, Bess also internalized that. She began to see herself the way everyone else was seeing her: as inherently bad and worthless.

I think Berman did an excellent job of describing this process, of showing how Bess's internal mindset was affected by Ev's death. It felt relatable and realistic.

“I had learned how fragile it all was—that my entire life could be reduced to something smaller than a matchbox in the blink of an eye.”

The overall story:

I was hooked right from the beginning. Right away, the author takes you on a journey of mystery, intrigue, and suspense. I actually had a hard time putting the book down to do other things, haha. The story was captivating and I really wanted to know what would happen.

What I didn’t like

The characters

Honestly, the characters were insufferable lol. Ev, Bess, and Joni were all rich, white, and privileged teenagers, with no concept of the consequences of their actions. I know most teenagers aren’t aware of how their actions can affect others, but that doesn’t mean they aren’t responsible for their behaviour. Joni, Bess, and Ev were the definition of entitled, and sometimes some of the things they would say or do would make me roll my eyes, just from how arrogant they were.

Ev especially wasn’t that nice, at least while they were in Greece together. A lot of tension arose between the three of them during their vacation, which ended up pitting Joni and Bess against Ev. Ev wanted a simple and quiet vacation, while Joni and Bess wanted to explore and party. Instead of letting her friends do what they wanted, Ev essentially kept them trapped in her family’s home, coming up with excuses to not leave or do anything outside the house.

Additionally, Ev’s older brother Theo and his friends arrived halfway through their vacation, to stay for a few days. Bess had a huge crush on Theo, which also caused tension between her and Ev. Ev was jealous that Bess would take her brother away from her, the only member of her family that she truly felt close to. Bess thought that Ev was being selfish. Honestly, if I had known most of the drama was going to be over a man, I would have skipped this one. Alas, here I am.

I’m joking.

Mostly.

In any case, you’d think Bess and Joni would have changed somewhat over the ten years after Ev’s death, but both were still equally rude or subject to falling back into the same bad habits. Joni capitalized over Ev’s death by becoming a self-help influencer/guru. Bess chose to hide away and live a life of solitude. But when Joni came back into Bess’s life, Bess once again fell under her charms and charisma. It was kind of annoying how easily Bess succumbed to Joni’s demands, once again. Out of the three friends, Joni was always the spitfire, the wild one. As one character states about Joni:

“That woman is like a hurricane, (...) She breezes through the world entirely on her own terms, not caring when she leaves mass destruction in her goddamn wake.”

Overall, I was frustrated with present day Bess for constantly trusting Joni, especially when she had evidence of some of her lies. Joni was very problematic, lied all the time, and prioritized herself over almost everyone and everything in her life. I get that sometimes you choose not to see things that are in front of you, but I didn’t understand how Bess had spent all these years not wanting anything to do with Joni, only to cling to her when she showed up at her doorstep. It didn’t feel like her friendship with Joni in High School had been all that meaningful, at least to me.

“Ev was so much more than an angel; she was a teenage girl.”

“But most of the time we hurt each other to hide our own gaping wounds.”

Problematic word

I don’t know why the author chose to use the racist and derogatory word and I don’t know how it got past editing, but it really soured my whole perception of the book, to be honest.

The ending

So at the end, Joni disappears and you never find out what happened to her and it just felt…strange? Like I’m not sure what the point of that plot point was. Was it meant to symbolize Bess moving on from her? Was it meant as a plot device to help Bess heal and move on? I have no idea.

Conclusion

In summary, the story was interesting and the characters were insufferable. #NormalizeOneSentenceConclusions

Rating: 2.5/5 stars

If you’ve read this book, I’d love to hear your thoughts! :)